Suzi's Secrets #7: Boys Will Be Boys

Boys Will Be Boys

I believe in kids being kids, and having a full childhood. Not rushing them through school. Not rushing them to grow up, etc. But the phrase “boys will be boys” isn’t about that. It’s the way society has let the males of our species grow up to do whatever they want. It’s the excuse that allows our President elect to say things like grabbing women by the p***y and then laugh it off (and society with him) with a "it's locker room” talk. There’s free speech and then there’s degrading speech. And the mentality of  “boys will be boys” is, in part, responsible for the further degrading of women.

Is there a level of “boys will be boys” that’s acceptable? When has “boys will be boys” gone too far?  

In the spirit of kids being kids, staying innocent as long as possible and understanding that a 3 year old boy, doesn’t understand that dropping his drawers and running around with his baby pecker out is, by society standards uncouth, I believe there’s a level of “boys will be boys” that is acceptable. 

Small children don’t see the world the same as we do and are, rightfully, unashamed of their bodies. So how does a parent teach said small child that they shouldn’t run around showing people their nether regions, without incorporating body shaming. Because the inevitable question they will have to being told they can’t run around without clothes is “why?”

But the child does need to be taught because when he’s a teen and he (or she) has entered puberty (and honestly before that) it becomes inappropriate for that child to run around with no clothes on. Somehow though, a boy chasing, in play, another boy with his butcheeks out is acceptable, because “boys will be boys.” They can say the most atrocious things to each other and parent’s roll their eyes saying, “boys will be boys, am I right?” Even in roughhousing, it's acceptable for children to slap each other in the rear, because “they’re just kids” and “boys will be boys.” What’s really aggravating is that when these actions are betweens young males, it’s “boys will be boys,” but if a boy is acting like this to a young girl, the daddies get up in arms. Where’s that same double standard when those little girls are adults?

When does the “boys will be boys” mentality become unacceptable? Is it only if they do this stuff to females? Is it only if there’s a level of touching involved? If one child is offended by it, then is it unacceptable? If all children involved are laughing and having a good time, then it’s okay. Right? 

I don’t have the answers to these questions, but they’re worth reflecting on and taking action where needed if we want anything to change. If a child expresses annoyance with another for his actions, why is that not taken seriously? It’s the same, “oh boys will be boys.” What happens when we don’t take these annoyances seriously is that we, the parents, lose credibility. We become a place that’s no longer safe to vent or express their feelings. It’s no wonder the majority of women of SA don’t speak up. They’ve been taught there’s no safe place to do so. And what’s the point anyway? Nothing will be done.

I remember when my son was in public school and getting bullied. I asked him why he never told the teacher about it. His response was verbatim, “Mom, what’s the point? She won’t do anything. She just says, ‘keep your hands to yourself’.” I remember feeling like this when I was 19 and SA. I told no one. There was shame, guilt and helplessness. Not only did I feel like there was no safe place to say anything where I wouldn’t be judged and I was dealing with my own judgments on myself, but what was the point in saying anything? I don’t want that feeling for my kids. It’s my job to cultivate a safe space where they can express themselves and they know I’ll have their back. 

So that brings me back to the question, when do we over-ride “boys will be boys” and take action in defense of our kids? 

My thought is that when a child becomes upset enough to say something, as uncomfortable as it is to say something. We, as parents, are obligated to step in to maintain that safe spot. Certainly, if a child alters their behavior to avoid the other’s actions or words, something must be done. And finally, if there’s any physical contact then “boys will be boys” shouldn’t be the answer.